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All the happy events reminds me of you. And how I am the worst grandchild who was 5 months late. Even being back in SG, I still don’t want to meet you yet bc I don’t want to face the reality of you being gone.
I broke down today, it was bad. The last time I was at warong, we were all preparing for umrah. Everything seems so familiar but there was just that void that only I noticed.
You visited me today morning, as always, I woke up crying.
Everyone tells me to always doa for you, I always did, even without their advices. I don’t why I’m sadder now, I dont know why I’m more reluctant to go back Oz, I don’t know myself anymore.
God, I have yet to overcome the death of Pak long and now tok’s death is even harder.
I thought being back in SG, I’ll be able to cry to my mom and pour my lungs out. But idk why I haven’t had the chance to do so. Most of my cries, only my pillow knows.
As usual, I’ll continue to pray for the 3 men and I’ll continue to pray for the old Amirah, that strong girl who was filled with fighting spirit and excitement about pharmacy!
Come on Amirah!

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Money

“wow Amirah, you must be so rich to offer overseas education.”
“Omg Amirah, why are the foods so expensive”
“Amirah don’t forget to get me a souvenir”
These are just 3 absurd things I have heard during my barely-a-year-degree. As my self esteem and self worth decreases whilst I scroll my feed, I see my tp coursemates entering local uni. How lucky.
It’s a stupid cycle. It’s TP Amirah all over again.

I wish I was smarter, I wish it comes effortlessly(like for some).
I am not rich. Every shalat, I pray that He ease me being a financial burden to my family.

I hardly eat outside. In a week, sometimes never! Only when I know I truly deserve a treat, I’ll treat myself to something sweet. Never will I ever find myself constantly spending. And I feel absolutely offended when people say “wow it’s so expensive” or “wow you’re spending that much?”. You don’t know my struggles, my pain and you’re judging my expenses from my Instagram? How fucking ignorant.

Souvenir, got triggered by this when I went back last holiday. I am in Australia, to study, to pursue and get that degree. Yet people are assuming (ONCE AGAIN), that I am here on a leisure adventure. That I am here for a 3 years long holiday, so they expect souvenirs from Australia even though the know that it is expensive af.

My current gpa is not great, but I saw my potential during my first sem results. I was able to get distinction (>85%) for a few modules. I’m taking extra load because of my credit but yet, yet, I’m not happy. Always had high expectation for myself, always comparing myself with the straight As student.
He said “with difficulties, ease comes along side”. While I reflect my dark thoughts at night, my only difficulty is my education life. I should be feeling blessed! My health, social life, family, they are all intact. So why, am I feeling as such?

Education and the importance of it has decrease my self worth tremendously. Pharmacy, the career of perfection has demoralize me because I’m unsure if this is the field I was suppose to be in. Singapore/ Australia, where is my rezeki? Where is Future Amirah destine to be? Ya Allah, I seek and pray for your constant guidance and give me the permission to succeed in my uni life. Ameen

University

Leaving home is not like going on an excursion. I would have thought that by now, this foreign city has become a “home” to me. But this experience so far, taught me that home is not where you’re born, or a place where you rest your head, rather, it is what feels like home (if that made any sense).

There were countless of times where I found myself comparing here to home. In my head, I’ll think about how stores open till 10pm, when here, stores closes at 5pm. In my head, I’ll constantly  count the hours to see what it was at home, a simple math. Then I would find myself wondering what is happening in SG – Does Nabeelah still knows the spelling of twelve and eleven? Is Humaira coping Ns well? Is Syahirah bullying Nabeelah and Humaira? Is Mama and Baba fine? Are my grandparents healthy? How are my friends?

Then I realized my purpose of being here. It was to study. To learn and get that degree. To make it worthwhile. That it was not spent in vain.

 

The cawan of bullshit

Do you ever find yourself sitting around the dinner table with makciks and pakciks while they ask, yet again, if you have met that “special one”. Or do they drop not-so-subtle hints that they predict you will be the next one in marriage? For singles, especially the ladies, there is a lot of pressure these days to find a partner QUICK and fall in love. Why the pressure though? Are people completely unaware that their words are irritating and hurtful?

So here is #1: Your family seems more interested in your love life than your accomplishments. 

You’ve just graduated from a local university, you were a rockstar at your internship company, had an awesome 3 weeks of graduation trip and got a full time job at your intern company way before you have “officially graduated” from your uni. When you have so many exciting things going on in your life, it feels almost like an insult when those around you fixate on your love life. Often, I find it hilarious when people flip the question back on them. “No, I’m single right now, but I’ll be sure to let you know if it changes. What’s going on in your love/ marriage life?” But its a bit (well) out of line, just like them ignoring your accomplishments. But life isn’t all fair after all right?

#2: Setting you up.

Whether it is your aunt’s friend’s son or the farmer’s child, it can be pretty annoying when the receiving end is not interested!  “It’s not always easy to say no to a friend.” But you have to learn to just say “No, I’m not interested.” Since when was being honest ever a crime? And can’t people no longer take “No” as an answer?

#3: Fat Shaming

This is slightly off-topic but my family has been prone to perpetuating fat shaming rhetoric towards my sisters and I for as long as I can remember. Both my older and younger sisters was the ideal asian size; small and slim. I am not a plus size but I am slightly taller (compared to them) and well, have a fair bit of fat in me (I mean WHO DOESN’T?). When I visit family or even facetime (since being miles apart), I often still hear some of the familiar shaming comments that takes me back to a less confident version of myself. Always comparing me with my sisters, blah blah blah.

It can be frustrating to fight off unwanted questions and comments about your personal life or love life, but it is simply an unfortunate reality for being young and one of the oldest grandchild. But that shouldn’t be an excuse to be nosy, my dear makciks and pakciks.

Counting my blessings

I must apologize for the low level of activity. I have been very busy finishing up my final year as a diploma student. And currently, I’m on an “adventure” in the land down under. Today I write a short post about my reply to all your “How’s Brisbane?”

Didn’t really took a lot of visuals because less is more. Enjoy~

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Passion or Practicality.

“You can be anything you want when you grow up”, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be a teacher, a doctor, a painter, a pilot etc”

How dumb were we. Adults probably laughed their minds out yet they encouraged us to play out our dreams. Growing up, I wasn’t a firm believer in being practical while planning out a route. It is no secret that JC gives one a higher chance to go into a local Uni, yet I chose poly where 6/100 students got into a local Uni. No joke.

Over the course of my life, I’ve encountered numerous instances where I’ve had the opportunity to choose between passion or practicality. Past Amirah was dumb and naive enough to choose passion. “Because I always excelled in Science, Math and Literature”. Now, as I’m entering Year 3, I realized the culture I’ve been living in. I noticed that I was raised in a culture where following a passion is not something you do because it doesn’t provide a stable future. Unless you’re one of the lucky few, in that case, I envy you. 

Horrible

I have been up late the night before, studying, and the night before that and the previous night, basically I was mentally exhausted. The weariness was clinging to me, constantly pulling me down. The words on the page became extremely blur, and my head felt heavier. Maybe, just maybe, if I close my eyes and rest for a moment, I will be fine. One minute, just One. ” Wake up Amirah!” I didn’t want to wake up. The peaceful darkness of sleep was too seductive to resist, and I could feel myself slipping back under. My body kept shaking violently now, my eyes snapped open and I became aware of my surrounding, most importantly, the smell of my inky pens. Shit I’m back in school.